Do you ever look around and think about the fact that everyone is going through something? In prison, that might seem obvious. Maybe it’s easier to realize everyone in here is going through something—they’re in prison, duh. But it’s no different on the outside. It might even be more pronounced. The suffering in here stays pretty much the same. We have no control over what’s going on out there. Guys in here desperately try to hang on to the outside world. I find myself doing it, too. It’s hard not to. Smiling? What a shitty name for the beginning of this post. 

Smiles. I think people on the outside would be shocked to see how much smiling there is in prison. I remember standing at commissary one day during my first few months in prison. I looked around and noticed that every single group of guys was smiling, all talking and laughing and enjoying whatever precious moments they were having.

I say “precious” because what I’ve realized through my time here is how much those moments really mean. I don’t care how much complete happiness someone claims to have—I find myself to be on the extremely happy end of the spectrum—there are still moments in life that fucking suck. Missing my daughter’s birthday fucking sucks. But what am I going to do about it? I call and she’s sliding down a 40-foot waterslide in her backyard. She doesn’t want to talk to Dada on the phone, she wants to slide down the fun ass fucking slide. She doesn’t realize that seven is as fun as it gets. Seventh birthday. God, it’s hard to miss that.

I smile. That’s what I’ve done today. I go up to the men around me who are also in prison, also missing their children’s birthdays, also know the feelings I’m experiencing. We play cards. We continue all the jokes we’ve always had. I have a moment on the phone with someone that I realize we’re both just smiling real smiles, talking about nothing really. Just because she makes me smile when I call. I call my boy, the one I spent 8 months in the SHU with, PUSSSSYYYYY DESTROOOOOYYYYERRRRRR. I used to put my cheek on the floor in my cell and scream that under the prison door like a Michael Buffer wrestling announcer when it was time for us to make fun of Chicken Dick Kyle on C-Range. We laugh that if hell was having to listen to Chicken Dick Kyle try to be funny for eternity, we would believe in Jesus for sure. If heaven was doing drugs with strippers, we might even go to church. I call him because I know for sure that he’s going to make me laugh. Why? Because we share the same love for the small moments in life. We know how important laughing and being happy is, and how you have to do both as much as you can in as many moments in life as it affords you. We know how bad things can suck. We know how hard it can be, but the only way to get through it is to find a way to laugh. To talk to people who make us smile. In those moments, in between all the pain that life brings, we find enjoyment. We create positive feelings. We allow ourselves to feel the good that life has to offer. Just think about how every culture has its own expressions for everything. But smiling? Smiling is universal. When we see someone laughing, we know they saw something funny. We can look at them and it makes us want to share that moment.

I hope that, when I get out of prison, I always remember to appreciate every smile I get to have in this life. Every moment I’m happy, even if what I’m going through seems to have no happiness involved. We’re humans. Suffering is a part of our existence, but so is happiness. So is enjoying our smiles, enjoying every moment that brings out that smile you can’t hold back. My daughter turning seven reminds me of the game we play as kids where you stare at each other until one of you can’t help but start laughing. It’s just inevitable. Kids can do that so easily, just smiling, laughing, and enjoying life to the fullest. Sometimes I think people forget that it’s okay to smile as adults, too.

Even right now, as I write this in a room full of guys watching the Olympics, I hear laughter. Guys making jokes and cracking on each other. In such a place of despair and inner turmoil, guys still subconsciously seek the escape that only smiling and laughing can bring. And that’s okay. 

Everyone around you is going through something. Find the ones who make you smile. Be the one that makes others smile.

Our lives are too short to keep from smiling every chance we get. Appreciate each and every smile you get to have on this earth. Thank you to all the people who made me smile today, and thank you to the ones who make me smile every day. Today was hard, but finding ways to smile got me through.