What are we here for?

What happens to us when we die?

Is there a purpose to life at all?

It’s natural for every human being to ask these questions. The ability we have to ponder the answers is what makes us unique—the inability to know what the answers are is what keeps us from being gods. Sure, there are probably billions of people who will swear they know their God’s/gods’ answers are the right ones, and maybe one of them is right, but I feel like prison has allowed me to seek answers to these questions from within myself. What I’ve found is that I will never know the absolute truth of what happens when we die, but I do know for sure how I need to live. I am here for a purpose. No matter what god—or lack of one—each of us follows, we all feel the need to have a purpose. Some people spend their entire lives searching and never find it. I’m grateful for prison because I will leave here knowing my purpose: to share my passion for cannabis, addiction, prison reform, equality, and humanity. I believe that I have the power to make a difference in this world through written word, speech, the way I live my life, and by creating opportunities for as many people as I can.

I have spent too many years being afraid to fail. I’ve allowed other people’s negativity to keep me from pursuing things I wanted to do. Prison has made me different. I have a fire that burns inside of me, one that is constantly striving to create positive change. I want to die with a smile on my face knowing that I made this universe a place moving toward perfection. I want my energy to fill the world in a way that stirs the soul, that moves people from within. I know my mission is futile. I know that this world will never be perfect before my eyes shut for the last time, but motherfuckers, I’m gonna try my best. From these blog posts, to my novel, to my everyday life, I want people to see someone that’s different. I want people to see someone who listens, who takes the time to understand each individual I come across and where that person is coming from. I think sometimes people forget that we all struggle and there is always someone who has it better or has it worse. Empathy is ridiculed by many and hated by the mainstream—we are forced to choose a side and show no mercy for the other. This is what leaves us divided and what fosters hate. Instead of focusing on all the things we share in common, we allow ourselves to get involved in choosing sides for every issue. I believe my passion is infectious, that people can and will realize this world can be a whole lot better than it is. I have the most incredible conversations every single day with people of entirely different faiths, races, ages, economic situations, and sexual orientations. I wish there were words to really explain the impact that truly listening to every person’s story has. I might not have a voice that reflects millions of views or likes, but I know I make an impact in the lives I interact with daily, an impact that extends to the people who read these words. I can’t fail because I have already succeeded. I know my passion makes a difference.

I’ve written about vision before, about my plans, so let me share a closely held vision of mine: I know that one day someone will use the cannabis-based opiate rehab I have planned and get clean. They will get out, succeed in life, and one day thank me for helping save their lives. I guess to some people this vision seems selfish. Why would I care about a thank you? I care because that one thank you will justify all of this. The eight months in solitary, the novel, the business plans, and every single day I spend in prison will be validated by that single thank you. It amazes me how many people claim they wouldn’t save a stranger. For me, human life is the most important thing we have. There is no way to know for sure what happens after. Saving one life, just one life, is the most rewarding experience I could ever wish for. I know that day is on the horizon because I actually have the plans and the ability to make them a reality. I could die with a smile on my face for that one thank you, but I know in my heart that I’ll die much happier than that. 

I think the most unique part of my passions is that they don’t factor in money. I do think with a business mind and I do have plans to make all of my ventures profitable, but money is not what drives me. My biggest motivation for business success is the dedication to place the people who stood by me and believed in me the most with opportunities to explore and realize their own visions and dreams. I think that my focus on people and bringing them a deeper level of happiness through a more rewarding life will bring wealth with it. The only fear I have is that I won’t be able to help everyone I want to. There are good dudes here who will still be in prison when I’ve reached old age. What will happen to them? How does someone spend 23 years in prison, get out with nothing, and somehow still succeed? These are the kinds of problems I spend all day trying to solve.

Some guys in here won’t even speak to me because they think I’m weird. They assume I’m gay or something is wrong with me because I don’t change who I am for prison. While this is hard to accept, when I know why I am who I am, it also makes the people who do take the time to listen to me realize I mean what I say. I’m sure many people who read this already agree with a lot of things I say or they wouldn’t be reading this, but I promise we are the minority. There is a quote on a picture frame on my floor about how “a small group of committed and passionate people can change the whole world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” I read it every day and it becomes more and more true. I cannot wait to get out of prison and find my group of people. Together we will change the world.