Resentment. Spite. Vengeance.

As I sit here thinking about what to write, I recognize the signs. A “Feelings Wheel” on the wall. The song “Resentment” playing on shuffle moments after I wrote the word. A day spent helping others with their writing. This is exactly where I need to be, exactly what I need to be doing.

I have been miserable. Every day I wake up hating everyone and everything around me. No, that’s not true. The reality is that a lot of people have put a lot of time and energy into helping me. Into trying to put things in a different perspective for me to see. To help me accept the things I cannot change, mainly the past. I’ve chosen to stay miserable. To allow myself down the rabbit hole of self-depreciation and self-doubt. To focus on the bad instead of the good. To be the kind of person I despise.

This is where resentment has led me, to replaying every instance of perceived injustice I felt so deeply. Mentally changing what I said, putting in a different tape where the outcome goes my way. Where everyone else feels the “fuck you” I want to scream.

I haven’t felt love in months. I’m too busy wrapped in a blanket of negative self-talk. The positive energy I believed in so strongly seemingly vanished from every piece of my existence. Who am I really? What do I really believe? Is this fair to those around me? What the fuck have I done to who I was?

I think the reason I write is that it forces me to have a point, to have a message. A meaning to the madness that runs through my mind. It reminds me that I have goals. That I have things I believe in. That I have a purpose outside of these walls.

I know I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be happy. To be confident. To be the change I wish to see in the world. We all know things are easier said than done, but that doesn’t seem to do the doing justice. Feeling love, being grateful, creating positive connections, and being a light in a dark world seem like they should be way easier than this.

Perseverance. Inspiration. Love.