A song, a conversation I wasn’t a part of, feelings swept under the rug, realizations of others, words spoken outward when inward is where the meaning lies. A night spent listening, reflecting, and searching. While the rest of the world spins at a thousand miles an hour, I sit dead still in a prison cell putting the pieces of my broken life together, realizing where I have failed, the people I have lost, and how I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Have faith in me

‘Cause there are things that I’ve seen I don’t believe

So cling to what you know and never let go

Things aren’t always what they seem. 

These are the beginning lyrics of “Have Faith in Me” by A Day to Remember, a song that immediately brings to mind the person I gave up on: someone I called my best friend for years of my life. A best friend I hadn’t talked to because I didn’t think he listened. Someone I told I loved a million times, but when it came down to it, I wasn’t there for him. I didn’t think he listened. He kept going back, kept overdosing. Kept waking up in hospitals and ambulances. Then I heard he was clean. He’d finally moved away and gotten his life together, not that I would actually know. I didn’t reach out to him. I just told whoever the messenger was that I was happy for him. Way to go, Zach. You finally got what I was telling you while we were sitting in your driveway when I was emotionally pleading for you to come to meetings with me. “Put the pills down.” Stop using before you turned into your sister, the person you were afraid of becoming.

Then I left. I ran away from Zach. I went from organizing interventions, trying to save the friends I had led into addiction, to a new life. A fresh start for me while cutting off all contact with the guys I spent years leading onto the baseball field and basketball court. I barely looked back. 

Today I walked into my room and a conversation was taking place. The youngest guy in the room was passionately telling a group of his friends that he was going to do whatever he could to help their friend who is struggling in the program. The others were telling him how pointless it is. “This guy will never get it. He doesn’t listen.” I found myself nodding in agreement. I wouldn’t waste my breath on this guy. He doesn’t seem to care at all. No, that’s not it; he’s the type who’ll seemingly listen to every word, thank you for the advice, then do the same exact shit tomorrow. Just like Zach did.

“Well, I’m not going to just give up on him or anyone else,” the young guy responded repeatedly. I hope he never loses that energy. I did. 

Now Zach is dead and I play “Have Faith in Me” on repeat, thinking about singing these same words with him when the album came out. Trying to feel his energy inside of me, trying to recall the way he and I understood each other. We both grew up homeschooled and did everything we could to be seen as normal, to get in with the cool crowd. He’s dead and I’m in prison. How fucking cool are we now?

Tonight I brought up my belief that we should never give up on anyone. There isn’t a set number of times we should show our genuine love and care for another person before we abandon or give up on them. One of the men who had been firmly on the pointless side of the original conversation spoke up and informed us that he had actually reached out and apologized to someone struggling with guilt for giving up on him, he admitted to how much that apology meant to that person. He knew what it felt like to be given up on. What a terrible feeling.

This all made me realize how much happens behind the scenes, how much contemplation and honest reflection goes on in each of our minds after we share our deepest thoughts and beliefs with one another. A lot of times when it seems like no one is listening, they are. Or maybe someone else is. Opening up and sharing messages from the love that stores itself inside of us always bears fruit. I truly appreciate the conversation I overheard because it brought Zach back into my life for a day. Even though I failed to live up to the message being offered, I know that my future success will be defined by my ability to love through adversity even when it seems like the message isn’t being received. It all starts with me taking my own advice and never giving up on anyone.