I need RDAP because the life I was living in prison was far from the life I want to live on the outside. I was out of shape, eating myself through depression, and involved in too many negative activities. I had written a novel in the SHU based around a character that was supposed to be me but no longer was. I need RDAP to once again find the man I know I’m supposed to be.

I have been addicted to so many things in my life that it’s hard to know where to start. Opiates were my most depressing addiction because they were the only thing I wanted to stop but couldn’t. What I’ve learned in this program–through talking to and listening to my peers–is that wanting to stop a drug but not being able to is only one part of addiction. I’ve been addicted to cannabis, alcohol, cocaine, and sleeping with women for most of my adult life. One of my most shared social media memes was a tweet where I stated, “The goal in life is to fuck hotter bitches.” For much of my life, I really believed that. I pursued that goal with such focus and determination that I ruined every meaningful relationship I’ve ever had. I cheated on my daughter’s mother while she was pregnant. I cheated on the girl I claimed to love. I have literally never said the words “I can’t, I have a girlfriend” to any prospect in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that my root addiction is women, and every drug I use is to further my ability to acquire my real drug of choice.

On Tuesday night, my daughter asked me whether I broke up with her mommy or she broke up with me. I sat there speechless for what seemed like an eternity. The truth of the situation, hidden behind all the lies, was running through my mind. The reason we broke up is because I couldn’t control my addictions. I would go to work as the weed-dealing bartender, get high, get drunk, do a little blow, and end up doing exactly what I knew would happen from the beginning, once again accomplishing my life’s goal while a girl who truly loved me sat at home and grew my child inside of her. Whether she found out or not–trust me, she normally did–I felt like shit about myself the next day. That still didn’t stop me from bragging to my boys about whatever girl I had bagged the night before. After all, I had my persona to keep. I had to be the guy everyone else wished they could be.

Now here I am. I sit in prison around men who’ve made similar mistakes. Having to tell my daughter it was a mutual decision because I don’t want to admit that I’m such a piece of shit. What RDAP provides me is the ability to open up, to share my real struggles, where addiction has led me, what I really used drugs for. I think the staff would be surprised at the level and depth to which a lot of the concepts and subjects we discuss are taken after hours. On Wednesday, so many men came up to me and gave me real and honest advice that enabled me to see the real usefulness of this program. Conversations that would never happen on the compound in any other prison setting. They helped me see myself through other people’s eyes.

I’m in RDAP because I need to become a better person who can take what I’ve learned in prison and change the narrative of my life. I can become a redemption story instead of a story of wasted talent. I can be the change I want to see in the world.