Today is my 86th day in a row being locked in a cell for 24 hours a day. Last week they moved 20 guys into a “quarantine range” where each of the 20 inmates were supposed to spend 14 days before being transferred to a different prison. Even though I didn’t make the first list, it gave me hope that I would be leaving the SHU soon. Today, all those hopes were dashed. The BOP has decided to cancel all transfers again as a direct result of a spike in COVID-19 cases. To say this news is disheartening is an understatement.

Despite the bad news, I took a nap this afternoon and had dreams of happier times that made me think about a group of girls that mean the world to me. I woke up with a smile on my face, wishing I could crawl back into my dreams to escape my current reality. Dreams where I can spend time with people I love. Dreams where I’m free. Rather than spend my day in the cold comfort of sleep, I chose instead to write about some of the memories I share with this wild, hilarious, miraculous group of girls. See, while most people on the outside are caught up in their day to day lives—not a moment to spare cherishing every small event—prison gives you a unique chance to reflect on and truly appreciate all the beautiful moments of your life. From the mundane to the sublime, prison hindsight gives everything a deeper meaning. Without these memories to keep me warm, I don’t know how I would get through the frigidity of this isolation.

Criminals and Savages has had many group name changes, additions and subtractions of members, and definitely its fair share of internal drama, but it has always been an entertaining way to pass time. I met every girl in the group through working as a bartender at a semi-upscale sushi bar called Tsunami in downtown Greenville, South Carolina. The staff has always been comprised of one attractive male bartender while the rest of the front of house is staffed by attractive females. I spent two years bartending at Tsunami, and I can honestly say that they were two of the best years of my life. Working in an environment surrounded by attractive women certainly has its share of problems, but for a guy like me, it was worth the constant cattiness and drama.

Two of the girls in my group message were hired within weeks after I was, and both are stunningly beautiful. I remember that on my first day of training, a silver BMW parked across the street and a gorgeous girl with long brown hair, an ass that should be Instagram famous, and the prettiest face got out of the car and began walking toward Tsunami. I turned to the guy whose job I was taking and asked, “Who is that?” He told me her name was Kristen, and now I consider her one of my dearest friends.

The other girl that started at the same time as me was equally as attractive. She has Middle Eastern features, long brown hair, brown eyes, and a small frame with a “where in the world does a girl that size get boobs like that” pair of double D tits. My first great memory of Moriah was her spending the night with my roommate, but then sneaking into my room when the mother of my roommate’s children showed up. I got back from the bathroom to find her curled up in my bed and promptly said, “So he gets to fuck you, and I get the post-coital cuddle?” Of all the girls, Moriah and I have shared the most memories. She has stuck by my side through a lot of trying times, helped me raise my daughter, and listened to my heartbreak over girls she knew I didn’t deserve.

When Erica started working at Tsunami, I didn’t know if she had what it took. Working there changes people, and she seemed so sheltered, so shy. She was a relatively new mother and going through a divorce with an extremely abusive man. The girls at Tsunami can devour a weak girl in hours with catty comments and evil looks, but Erica just kept at it because she needed the work. I have fond memories of her early on, but we really got close when I became a single father. My daughter’s mother moved three hours away, and we would meet halfway every Thursday to trade custody weeks. Erica’s daughter is less than a year older than mine, and the two of them became best friends the day they met. I still have a picture of them hugging the very first time they hung out together. We call each other “side parents” and took our daughters to do things together as if we were a family… though we’ve shared plenty of wild times together without our children. Case in point: Erica flashed her tits at strangers on the interstate to get us weed for a Fetty Wap concert. That night ended tragically for me but remains one of Erica’s favorite stories. She is also a remarkably attractive woman with a body crafted out of yoga and yet another “where does that come from” booty. Blonde hair, fair skin… if you look up the world “cute,” Erica’s picture would be next to it.

“Seawad” is my nickname for Steff as a result of my own drunk misunderstanding regarding the pronunciation of her last name. She is also Middle Eastern like Moriah, but her beauty takes a different form. She has big boobs and a great butt, thick legs and a pretty face. Her best quality is her outgoing sense of humor and her ability to hysterically roast the shit out of anyone you don’t like at the time. Her roasting abilities are unparalleled, and I have felt the brunt of them in our group message many, many times. Our friendship is special to me, and of all the girls in our group, Seawad probably makes us laugh the most.

Hope is that person in your group that goes weeks without saying anything, but then pops up out of nowhere and is trying to get drunk. Exotic-looking with big, dark curls, olive skin, a supremely round butt, and a perfect smile, she always seems to have kept track of everything happening in the group, but rarely takes part. Then she shows up, roasts everyone we have been talking about, says she picked up a shift at Tsunami, and is ready to drink. Honestly, of all the girls in the group, I knew Hope the least until I got to prison. She and I have talked a lot more and now know each other far better than we ever did on the outside. Hope didn’t start working at Tsunami until I left, so we don’t have as many work-related memories, but I still consider her a great friend.

I don’t know that anyone has ever had a more fitting last name than Wilds. She truly lives up to it. Extremely attractive with dark hair, great boobs, and a truly unique style, Wilds is behind one of the greatest group message sagas every created. Why? Wilds and her friend decided to run off with a guy in the circus. The hilarity and photographic evidence of that escapade has me laughing even as I write this. Wilds was practically nomadic when she started at Tsunami, and in some ways she still is. However, she is a mother who takes very good care of her daughter despite little to no help from the child’s father. 

I write about these girls because they have all been instrumental in the way my life has gone over the past five years. From family dinners where they would come over and I would cook out, to birthday and holiday parties, and random meetups for drinks or food at all hours the day, these girls have been some of my closest friends. We looked out for each other, made fun of each other, cried for each other. And we loved each other. I think there have been girls I’ve talked to who didn’t like the fact that I had such a close group of attractive female friends, but none of those girls have lasted as long as the Criminals and Savages. In a time where I have nothing in my life to think about other than the memories that make me smile the most, these girls always come to mind.