I grew up in a home where everything that didn’t directly glorify the Biblical version of God was a sin. Rules? Shit. The list of things I was allowed to do was much smaller than the list of forbidden fruit. My mother copied movies from Blockbuster and used some sort of microphone to dub over bad words like “crap” and “sucks” before we could watch them. I’m not talking about R rated movies, either; I’m talking about “The Little Giants” and “E.T.” I guess I should be grateful that we were even capable of watching movies. Other families in the cult I grew up in didn’t even have televisions. 

This upbringing led my life to a constant question: Why? Why is sex outside of marriage so bad? Why is masturbation a sin? Why am I supposed to feel guilty for an apparent sin nature that was given to me by the same God who I’m supposedly sinning against? Why does it seem like anything other than standing in church—singing hymns to Jesus with pure thoughts rolling through my mind—is a sin? Even the words “pure thoughts” make me think of doing some not so pure things to that girl over there with the floor-length dress she’s wearing to keep men from having any impure thoughts about her. Fuck it. I’m going to hell. 

Luckily, I grew out of all of that. I answered my own questions. The “why” is because the cult wanted control. Those kinds of people are just as dangerous as the Muslim Jihadists that so many Americans are scared to death of. It’s a breeding ground for sexual predators. There can’t be normal, healthy conversations about human sexuality in those environments. The saddest part is that I’ve realized America itself, with its laws overriding thought processes, still clings to those outrageous beliefs. 

Think of the term “successful.” Think of the “right” answer to “What do you want your children to end up like?” Married? Of course, but only to someone who doesn’t use drugs and never has or would. Duh. To someone who has had a lot of sexual partners? Of course not! We want them married to someone chaste! America has progressed, though. Our picture-perfect daughters can now go to college and get good jobs. We’ve come so far from those “keep quiet and do the dishes” days. So our child is a college graduate, stayed a virgin until marriage (or close to it), has never tried drugs, and maybe has a glass of wine or a drink but never gets drunk. Why? Who the fuck wants to live like that? I know I don’t. I want to throw up even thinking about it, but that is how America defines “success.” Anything outside of that gives the old ladies some really juicy gossip. When I tell people I won’t care if my daughter smokes weed, that I’ll be honest and allow her to make her own choices in life, they shake their heads in reproach. I’ll be proud of her no matter what she chooses to do or be as long as it makes her happy. If she wants that “normal” life, then good for her. If she wants to trip on mushrooms in the mountains and explore nature, that’s cool, too. I’ll obviously explain the dangers of drug addiction and diseases, but my goal is always to have a real answer for her when she asks the question “Why?” A real answer other than “Because I said so,” or “Because the Bible says so,” or even more controversially “Because it’s illegal.” 

What I’ve realized is that this county is only free for conservative Christians. Any other group of people is targeted by completely unjust laws. Why is cannabis illegal? Why is gambling illegal? Why is prostitution illegal? Why do politicians openly talk about “moral decay” in America? Morality is subjective. They think of themselves as better because they followed whose rules, exactly? I personally believe that every adult should try cannabis and mushrooms once. Why? Because those things changed my life for the better. They changed my life for the better while simultaneously making me ineligible for all kinds of government jobs. Once I tried them, I was forever tainted in the mind of this nation’s lawmakers. 

Why is this a bad thing? Because it means that the people making laws that put people in prison, ruin families’ lives, destroy entire communities and ethnic groups, and shut down progressive thinking have literally no idea what they’re talking about. I bartended for ten years and sold enough cannabis to land me in prison for five years, but my voice is silenced by a felony. Meanwhile, politicians who’ve never even seen cannabis or witnessed someone snap over nothing while drinking write laws on both of these subjects. They only listen to counsel from “experts” who also have no firsthand experience. Anyone who does have that firsthand experience is dismissed as a “druggie” incapable of logical thought.

Drugs—yes, all of them—have value. Addiction is terrible, but drinking eight milkshakes a day will kill a person faster than doing eight lines of cocaine a day. I’m not advocating doing either, but the fact is that people who’ve used drugs in moderation, or even in excess but have gained control, are better, more understanding, more thoughtful, and more meaningful people than people who’ve never tried drugs at all. People who’ve experienced sex with more people can derive more pleasure for themselves and their partners. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll, right? 

This is where constantly questioning “Why?” has left me. I know that natural plants like cannabis and mushrooms help me. I know that great sex makes me happy. I know to stay away from opiates because they tempt me into excess. I know that stimulants can be enjoyable, but I don’t like the anxiety that I get when I use them. I know these things because I learned them for myself. I adamantly fell that I wasn’t wrong for experiencing them. I feel no guilt or remorse. I questioned, and I found the answers. It’s as simple as that. 

Don’t be afraid to ask “Why?” Don’t feel guilty for looking for answers. It took me 240 days inside the prison’s jail, the SHU, to truly find myself, but it can happen anywhere. For me, there’s no dude up in the clouds giving me sad face stickers every time I check out a girl’s ass. Call me a rebel, but if I don’t like the answer to my “Why?” question, I’m damn sure going to find out for myself. Finding out who we truly are and what makes us happy is the ultimate goal in my mind.

I’ve found me. Have you found you? Have you found out “Why?”